James 3:5 (esv) so the tongue is a small member yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire.
Her words hadn’t meant to hurt me but in all actuality they were like a knife cutting into all of my most vulnerable places. I had been silently grappling with the same questions and ponderings she was asking me for months – but somehow someone else asking me these same things threatened to break me in two. She, who was talking to me, has a beautiful heart, she wasn’t for a minute trying to break me – she was trying to in part understand me and in part encourage me.
Words. We can use them to build up or to destroy they are that powerful. We can all point to instances in our lives when our words tore someone down, as we are sinners living in a fallen world. Hopefully we are more quick to recall times when other people have used their words to encourage us. In an era of social media it is a lot easier to say things we would never say to someone’s face because we can hide behind a screen. Friends, those words are still heard by someone and most importantly by God. Let us be wise when we open our mouths or in the case of social media, use our fingers.
I want to talk to you about a certain aspect of using our words that doesn’t have to do with intentionally hurting others. Have you ever said something you thought would be helpful to someone but instead it tore them down? It can be easy to do. I was on the receiving end of this last month when a friend was trying to encourage me. I am not here to call out that friend – I have been in her shoes – rather to give us pause and think about something I don’t think we consider enough.
Words need to be intentional, before we even open our mouths (or put our fingers on the keys) we need to pray that what comes out would glorify God. We may have the best of intentions but if it is not subject to God’s glory, it will fail – every single time. Something that may sound encouraging in our ears comes across as hurtful to the receiver. So then, how can we make sure we are using our words to truly build another up?
The most important thing we can do is to pray and ask God to use our words to help and not to hurt. We can pray that we would get out of the way and allow God to work. I as a lover of words – I am a writer and voracious reader – have had times where I was more concerned about being the person that gives my friend the perfect word, than praying and making sure what I was saying would actually be helpful. God wants to work through us, but its important that we rid ourselves of pride first.
Listen. We are so quick to talk but the Bible actually tells us to be slow to speak James 1:19 – know this my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. I strongly believe much of the above problem would be fixed if we just took the time to really listen to each other. Actively listening does not mean we are only half way listening as we think of what our response will be when our friend is done talking. Practice not forming a response until your friend is done talking. It is only then that we will hear fully and be able to respond with wisdom. Ecclesiastes 5:2 says Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few.
Asking questions will help us to better understand where the friend is coming from. May I encourage you to ask questions that aren’t going to do further damage to said friend? Say for instance your friend had a miscarriage. Asking her why it happened will only hurt her more. However, asking “I don’t understand the pain you are walking through, never have gone through it myself, can you help me to better understand how you are feeling and what (if anything) I can do to help?” will open up a healing door for your friend.
We must keep in mind how we would want to be talked to if we were going through the same circumstance. Ask yourself “is what I am trying to say true, noble, helpful? Will it encourage or discourage?” These questions will further help our response to be given in wisdom.
A final thought I want to share is we need to be careful to avoid the “snare of offense”. It seems like everyone is offended about something these days. If our friend unintentionally hurts us with their words, let us not set up a tent in the land of offense. There is no need to camp there. Forgive your friend just as Christ has forgiven you and move on. If you feel it would help you to talk to your friend and let them know their words hurt you, do so but please don’t stay offended.
Choose your words carefully, aim to bless and not to harm!
The Overflow by Amber Durgan 